Don't Give In: My Life's Mantra
- Clare Batac
- Jan 25, 2017
- 3 min read
Suicide Trigger Warning
Does it ever cross your mind how it would be really easy to give in to that thought of leaving everything behind? Does it ever cross your mind how light the feeling would be if you just jump off that building without hesitation? Well, I don't, on the without hesitation, though. I'm an over thinker and I'm not going to lie that sometimes when the odds aren't in my favor, I think of ways to just end the pain in this chest.
What if I jump off the building? Naaah, too cliche, and people will get creeped out and might not want to visit the rooftop, what a waste of city view. How about overdosing? Naaah, I read that it won't be as peaceful as some people were expecting. When you finally rest and wait for your last breath, you could still feel that your organs begin to stop working but can't do anything about it, like a nightmare, a long nightmare. Hang myself? Another future horror story? I don't think so. Cutting wrists? That's too melodramatic and it won't kill you in a snap. And the list of pros and cons goes on.
Sometimes, it sucks to have no one to talk to. I know that if one of my dearest friends would read this, they would be like, "Hey I'm here, asshole." I'm more than grateful that I have those people in my life. But the thing is it's me who don't want to be that kind of person in their lives. So TLDR: I don't give in.
I usually just sleep it off, bury myself to work, plan my next trip, write, swim across the ocean of novels I have, or simply binge-watch movies or series. I have every way to be pre-occupied. I never want an idle mind. I don't even go to bed when I'm not exhausted enough to sleep as soon as I close my eyes. I don't go in the shower without music. A lot could happen if I leave myself alone with all the demons inside my head.
Whenever the thought of it strikes, I always think of the people I would leave behind. The people who actually care. Most of the time, I would think how it would bring the limelight to me or my family, and that, I believe, is the worst.
There was one time I opened up to someone because I was too afraid to act on it. The funny thing was he just told me how lucky I was because I have this kind of life that others might actually be dreaming to have. That I don't have to do such things some people do just to survive for a day and tralala lala. TLDR: I'm too privileged to whine. And so it started.
I started to bottle up the feelings. Talked to no one about those petty problems because why should I? It's too small to be entertained. And when I do, I do talk about it in a humorous way so the topic won't be too heavy or dramatic. It became a habit of mine to brush off problems and pretend they don't exist, they're small anyway, they're petty anyway. These petty problems were like tiny pebbles filling the sack in my chest. As they grow in number, the sack became heavier and heavier, until I couldn't carry it any longer.
Who would cry for dollar worth of cactus? Funny isn't it? I didn't know that was the last pebble who would crash me down. A petty problem. A fucking cactus.
I went to the rooftop and just cried. I couldn't even begin to pinpoint what really the problem was. Was it the cactus? Was it the workload? Was it the small salary? Was it man who I wished to say yes to? Was it my guy friend who I confessed my feelings to and did nothing but said there was a woman who he was hitting on as of the moment and I was cock blocking him? Was it the unreturned messages? Was it the movie I missed? Or the concert I missed? And the list goes on and on and on and on. The problems I didn't act on to because they were too petty, they were childish, they were not worth my time, my idle time. C'mon, I'm too privileged to even think about the negativity around me. Focus on the positive, right?
And that's what I did for the longest time. Now here I am, being whiny about it. This brat is whining due to petty problems, the tiny pebbles.
And now what?
Originally posted in Niume, January 25, 2017
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